f**kit list

f**ckit list

First of all, I hope that I have an indefinite amount of time on this planet. But I’m not so sure any of us should be living as though we do. And, as much as having an incurable cancer changes my perspective, so does coming up on 50 and realizing that childhood is such a fleeting time for my little one as well. I don’t regard this as a bucket list, instead (pardon my french) I call it my f**kit list! I am hoping to prioritize things that on a normal day I might put off in lieu of more “practical” concerns. This happens to coincide with my daughter coming of an age where she is much more independent and eager for adventures. So after years of nesting, now that she’s formally of school age, we are both ready to fly a little. There are infinite things I want to do, but I’ve narrowed it down to a top 15 for 2015 here.

1. Do a special project to celebrate the 15th anniversary of my children’s books “Daddy, You’re My Hero!” and “Mommy, You’re My Hero!” Β to further bring attention to the children of my community- military brats.

2.Β Go to the ocean before my stem cell transplant. After your stem cell transplant you aren’t allowed to go to the ocean or a pool for sometime. There are many people I know who after receiving their SCT continue on treatment that prevents them from going in the ocean for the forseeable future. To me, this is the one of the hugest sacrifices I can imagine since the ocean is my solace, and has always been the place where I am at peace. I don’t see how it’s possible to make this happen right now, but I’m still hoping.

3. Live in a little cottage somewhere for at least 2 weeks but in my fantasies.. 6 months :), where my little one can run free and plant in the ground, explore nature, build things with a hammer and scream and sing to her hearts delight without being admonished by any nearby adults. And her Daddy can putter around and and rock in a chair in his natural state of calm. This seems like an impossible dream right now. But it is definitely up there on my wishlist.

4. Visit family in Israel before my SCT. SCT might prevent me from being able to travel internationally for sometime. Even when I am able, I might be limited in what I can do. Especially on such a long flight. Maybe 3 & 4 should be merged together. We all need to see our Saba and Safta and brother Jei and aunts and uncles and 25 cousins, most of all Daddy and Elle, to feel some family love before embarking on this journey.

5. My daughter is fascinated with the job Mommy had in the music business before I quit to focus on family. She has a dream that she can be with Mommy backstage at a concert like I used to do. I would love her to have a memory of Mommy in a more vibrant setting before I am in the hospital for weeks.

6. A romantic night with the hubby before our 20th anniversary. We don’t really have the chance for time alone. We don’t have family in NYC. And we are a very family-focused couple, and lord knows, we LOVE our baby. But what I wouldn’t give for a night alone with the hubby before I go into the hospital. This might be my most impossible wish, because it’s one I can’t make happen on my own.

7. Disney World. Yeah. So predictable. But Disney is our happy place and we all love it there so much. It makes the world seem tolerable.

8. Converting my “Rock Hard Times” screenplay into a novel. I really haven’t had the time to look at it since I won that AIVF thing, but I think it would be great as a novel.

9. Putting my photos and videos into some kind of cohesive presentation by my 50th birthday πŸ™‚ That would be the best present ever to myself!

10. Produce the music video I have been thinking about to raise awareness for Multiple Myeloma Research.

11. Do a photo shoot of me and the family before I’m on steroids and chemo everyday for the rest of my life πŸ™‚ Not to mention, before I need to start coloring the gray out of my hair!

12. Find someone who can help me with my girl while I am not well enough to chase around a 6 year old!

13. For my husband to be able to take some time off to spend with us.

14. A big night out with music and friends for my 50th!

15. Plan and participate in my daughter’s batmitzvah!

too much? πŸ™‚


11 thoughts on “f**ckit list

  1. Not to much, I love reading your thoughts and ideas. It all sounds like a good plan to me, isn’t that what ideas are, plans in the making.

  2. What a beautiful list! In no way is this list too much! I wish I had a magic wand to make all of these happen for you. Nothing would make me happier. I love you, my dear friend!

  3. Dee and I would love to come spend a night with Elle while you and Adi have a romantic night out!! And whatever else we can do to help you make your list a reality! We love you, more than we can say!!

  4. I will take the pix and videos and sort them if that works for you. You know I’m a good organizer. πŸ™‚

    Let’s talk about when you want your date to be. If it is after 2/20, I’m your sitter.

  5. I love your list….some easy…some harder…all possible…just saying…Eden is a perfect place to run and play and scream and laugh….planting is easy…growing a bit more difficult…unless you count the deer and moose that will visit your garden… You mentioned your book…I have thought for awhile that you might rework as a prep for the young facing a time when a parent is away for special treatment…you are so talented and so in tune with Elle…it might be too hard to do…but it would be powerful to help a child to know what is coming…

    I wish I was closer…but Elle doesn’t know me so I can only hope you have friends near and dear that can help.


  6. A blog…fantastic!!!
    Let me just say a Iist IS always a good plan. I live by mine!
    More importantly, how can I-can others- help you realize your goals?
    I think anyone ( except for the taking care of Elle part) could help you check off some items on this list like cottage, photo shoot, Disney …

  7. Much of your list sounds very doable. This is a time to reach out and ask for help from others. We caretaker types have a very hard time doing that, but you need to do it, and if there are any toxic people left in your life (maybe unlike me, you never had any), this is great time to get rid of them for good. The hardest thing to find in a situation like yours is balance, but if anyone can do it, you can! Keep on blogging. Sending you love, always

  8. All doable, all practical, all what all of us should be thinking about regardless of our current health condition. Sweet friend, I would fly to New York and hang with your girl for a few days to give you and Adi some alone time. I’m am totally sure I would come away more enlightened than she!! Love you Big!

  9. Friend, I just sent you a PM on Facebook. I love your list. All wonderful goals. I am happy to hang with Elle or she is invited to come sleep-over here for a night with my girls if you think she would be comfortable. I am totally neurotic, anti-sleepover mama, but I can’t think of a more delightful thing for our girls than to enjoy the experience. The offer stands, contact me if you want to discuss further. XO.

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